I spent the last ten years being serious. Serious about my studies, my career, travel, relationships, health and life in general. Now my cortisol is elevated and my tension headaches are getting worse.
This is an excerpt from my diary in December of last year. I realised that I was being hyper serious about my own birthday party. A party, for goodness sake.
The last decade has taught me that no amount of hard work, hustle and effort is enough. You need good luck, the right scenario and fortuitous timing to happen as well.
What’s the difference between unseriousness and deep unseriousness you might ask (I bet not a soul asked). Well unseriousness can also be apathy and laziness. I don’t endorse those things, they’re not healthy. We all know an unserious person, they’re late, they forget birthdays and they were cool at first, but they may actually not care about anything, not you, not themselves.
Deep unseriousness is when you still try. I try at a bunch of things, or I wouldn’t get paid or have friends, or be a hygienic person. There is a level of care with deep unseriousness, you just have to tone down the unyielding feeling that every little thing is just as important as the other little thing.
Let me explain further by sharing some small realisations I’ve had in these three months as a slightly less serious person (i’m still working on it).
Realisation #1. It’s Really Not That Deep
So someone cut you off while driving, you missed the train, you gained some weight. It’s not that deep. If you let it become a thing, you eventually develop a complex, and now you’re unhappy. I did this all the time.
I’m an emotional person with a cold exterior, so its usually really, quite, very, incredibly deep. One terrible thing happens and it becomes my identity for a few months, until I read something or am told by a friend to snap out of it. I’m learning that sometimes its not about me, its not personal, its not that deep, I should move the hell on.
Realisation #2. Onto The Next Thing
Once upon a time, I would fail, take it very seriously, journal about it for days, fixate on it, dissect it and then stop trying before I hyped myself up to continue. Let me tell you…this little cycle is the most emotionally draining cycle I’ve ever trapped myself in. Second only to the doomscrolling social media to self hatred and repeat cycle.
This week, I found out I didn’t get funding for something on Monday, and by Friday I had applied for a different grant. I spent Monday slightly upset, and remembered the deadline on Friday before writing the grant for the next few days. Will I get the grant? I don’t know. But I tried.
Staying on the move, keeping the kinetic energy going, and resting without being stagnant has helped immensely.
Realisation #3. You’re Not Always The Main Character
Remember that time when the internet did the whole ‘main character energy’ trend. Well, sometimes that energy is useful. Big work presentations, auditioning for a literal main role, I get it. However, being the man character is a lot of work. You gotta have a screenwriter, costume team and hair and makeup artist or you’re just taking yourself very seriously all the time.
I started detaching from this weird form of conceit and reminded myself that I can be the background extra or supporting character. Mind you, I’ll be the memorable supporting character everyone loves.
But truly, its very liberating to realise that no one is keeping score of your life except you, and most of the time…no one cares what you do so long as its not illegal.
This also helps you be a better friend, you show up for your loved ones with a lot less ego involved.
Realisation #4. Not Everything Needs a List
I am guilty of having: a grocery list, shopping list, reading list, movie list, self improvement list and list of house things that need to be done.
In short, I hate letting things fall out of my head. I have iPhone reminders, paper to-do lists for each day and to-do lists for every month. I don’t even keep my to-do lists after and go ‘wow look at all the cool stuff I did’, I just throw it out and make a new list.
This year, I let things dissipate in my mind. I see a trailer for a movie on social media, instead of writing it down, if I remember it later, I go see it. If it sticks in my brain, its a sign that I am interested, and I will see it. For example, on social media I saw two tv shows advertised. Things I hadn't seen before, naturally one was more interesting to me, so I remembered it a month later, and now I’m watching The Leopard (it’s Italian) and loving it.
Realisation #5. Chaos Finds A Way
In the last decade, I think chaos was my worst enemy. I loved the girls who would just go out on a whim and come home, sleep and make it to the next shift at work. The girls who dated whoever and did whatever.
However, chaos, has a very high price. These girlies had credit card debt, alcohol poisoning and I was often told (mostly by these girls) that I was never going to have those issues. I was super proud of that. Glad I had it together, but chaos had other plans.
I get dressed for a walk with the dog, it rains. I organise my budget for the next week, and my car breaks down the next day. These things would make me feel like everything I did was futile.
The smart ones know chaos exists, and they let it happen when it has to happen. They know chaos will find them, and they have made peace with it. No big deal, see realisation one and two (and three to five).
It can be a slight curse to care so much about everyone and everything that you want to try really hard and feel all the things, be the perfect person, and not let anyone down, but it’s not possible.
As singer Alice Merton stated:
‘I wanted to take the seriousness out of everything a little bit, because it kind of fits my style.’
There is a version of me from the past, or maybe a parallel world, or another life, who was not this deeply serious, and I aspire to her and her alone.
Further Reading:
I attempted to live in a real life Pinterest board
Meet my literary hero: Hercule Poirot
Why i’m trying to get out of the void.
So fascinating about not always being the main character. The reflection points are very real in this!
So true! Especially in these times where life feels even more like a race